Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most
by: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, Roger Fisher
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Amazon.com Review:
We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker,store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and weknow the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull itover until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumblethrough the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by DouglasStone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling theseunpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective anddiminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. Theauthors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project onNegotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separatecomponents: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what webelieve really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation(communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), andthe "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlyingpersonal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are,admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guaranteepositive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating yourcommunication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakesand remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when suchunavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman
Product Description:
Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.
Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn:
how to start the conversation without defensiveness
why what is not said is as important as what is
ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times
"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist
"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters
"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman
We've all been there: We know we must confront a coworker,store clerk, or friend about some especially sticky situation--and weknow the encounter will be uncomfortable. So we repeatedly mull itover until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumblethrough the confrontation. Difficult Conversations, by DouglasStone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, offers advice for handling theseunpleasant exchanges in a manner that accomplishes their objective anddiminishes the possibility that anyone will be needlessly hurt. Theauthors, associated with Harvard Law School and the Harvard Project onNegotiation, show how such dialogues actually comprise three separatecomponents: the "what happened" conversation (verbalizing what webelieve really was said and done), the "feelings" conversation(communicating and acknowledging each party's emotional impact), andthe "identity" conversation (expressing the situation's underlyingpersonal meaning). The explanations and suggested improvements are,admittedly, somewhat complicated. And they certainly don't guaranteepositive results. But if you honestly are interested in elevating yourcommunication skills, this book will walk you through both mistakesand remedies in a way that will boost your confidence when suchunavoidable clashes arise. --Howard Rothman
Product Description:
Members of the Harvard Negotiation Project--which brought you the mega-bestseller Getting to YES--show you how to handle your most difficult conversations with confidence and skill.
Whether you're dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with your spouse about money or child-rearing, negotiating with a difficult client, or simply saying "no," or "I'm sorry," or "I love you," we attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day. Based on fifteen years of research at the Harvard Negotiation Project, Difficult Conversations walks you through a step-by-step proven approach to having your toughest conversations with less stress and more success. You will learn:
how to start the conversation without defensiveness
why what is not said is as important as what is
ways of keeping and regaining your balance in the face of attacks and accusations
how to decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation
Filled with examples from everyday life, Difficult Conversations will help you on the job, at home, or out in the world. It is a book you will turn to again and again for advice, practical skills, and reassurance.
"Does this book deliver on [its] promise of an effective way through sticky situations, whether 'with your baby sitter or your biggest client'? It does."-- The New York Times
"These talented communicators blend a daunting array of disciplines into highly readable and practical advice."-- Booklist
"Brilliant. . . . I've already re-read most of it. I'm using it. What more could a reader ask?"-- Tom Peters
"Emotional Intelligence applied to life's tough moments."-- Daniel Goleman
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Customer Reviews
Average Rating:
Rating: 
- Difficult Conversations
I wish I had this book to read 30 years ago when I married. It helped me after reading the first chapter. I was able to absorb the information and apply it immediately. Highly recommend it for anyone who has a relationship.
Rating: - Don't Suffer in Silence to Avoid Confrontation
Do you find yourself stewing silently, letting anger and resentment build, because you're avoiding the discomfort of a difficult conversation?Do you have that one relative or colleague with whom every effort to communicate results in disaster? Before you give up, give this book a try.It provides very specific guidance on how to initiate and the most challenging of conversations and steer them away from disaster.
Difficult conversations are a normal part of life - we ... Read More
Rating: - It gets to the heart of how to make any conversation more positive.
Difficult Conversations is a must for coaches, teachers, parents, and managers.There are many important learning points in this book, however, there are two that are particularly noteworthy: the three levels of conversation and approaching conversations from the mindset of a learner.
According the authors, conversations occur on three levels simultaneously.These three levels are:
-- What happened (the content or subject of the conversation),
... Read More
Rating: - Powerful Communications Toolkit
It did a really good job of clearly laying out those communication principles that are key to working out problems with other people - things that we've all learned to some degree through experience. Difficult Conversations puts it all together into a powerful toolkit that we can draw on when we need it most.
Rating: - Dissecting difficult conversations
As the authors state in their introduction, there is no such thing as a "diplomatic hand grenade". "Difficult Conversations" attempts to make uncomfortable but necessary interactions more productive by putting the process under the microscope. The authors dissect difficult conversations into three parts: the "what happened", the "feelings", and the "identity" conversations.
Central to the "what happened" conversation is the truth assumption (aka who is right) which is the cause of endless ... Read More
- Difficult ConversationsI wish I had this book to read 30 years ago when I married. It helped me after reading the first chapter. I was able to absorb the information and apply it immediately. Highly recommend it for anyone who has a relationship.
- Don't Suffer in Silence to Avoid ConfrontationDo you find yourself stewing silently, letting anger and resentment build, because you're avoiding the discomfort of a difficult conversation?Do you have that one relative or colleague with whom every effort to communicate results in disaster? Before you give up, give this book a try.It provides very specific guidance on how to initiate and the most challenging of conversations and steer them away from disaster.
Difficult conversations are a normal part of life - we ... Read More
- It gets to the heart of how to make any conversation more positive.Difficult Conversations is a must for coaches, teachers, parents, and managers.There are many important learning points in this book, however, there are two that are particularly noteworthy: the three levels of conversation and approaching conversations from the mindset of a learner.
According the authors, conversations occur on three levels simultaneously.These three levels are:
-- What happened (the content or subject of the conversation),
... Read More
- Powerful Communications ToolkitIt did a really good job of clearly laying out those communication principles that are key to working out problems with other people - things that we've all learned to some degree through experience. Difficult Conversations puts it all together into a powerful toolkit that we can draw on when we need it most.
- Dissecting difficult conversationsAs the authors state in their introduction, there is no such thing as a "diplomatic hand grenade". "Difficult Conversations" attempts to make uncomfortable but necessary interactions more productive by putting the process under the microscope. The authors dissect difficult conversations into three parts: the "what happened", the "feelings", and the "identity" conversations.
Central to the "what happened" conversation is the truth assumption (aka who is right) which is the cause of endless ... Read More
